Memory Lane: mental health

Baby Blues

These days I rarely have a spare time. Most of my time is nursing time since day one of my newborn baby: breastfeeding the baby, bathing the baby, playing with baby, sleeping with baby, and changing diaper. As a new mom, I've been warned about baby blues by my colleagues and by my own self. I've been well aware of it, not only because I'm a psychiatry resident, but also I knew I was prone to it 'cause I often suffer from mood swing during my periods. It was also getting worse when I was pregnant and it did happen to me for about two weeks postpartum. I am a very hormonal person.

The first four days were fine, I got all resources I needed. The nurses, midwives, and doctors were really helpful. My family too. I got enough rest, meals, medications, and affections for me and my baby. The one and only complaint I had, and not that bad, was the spinal headache. Hence, I still got an excellent treatment. Once I came home, I felt so much pain on my left nipple, while the right nipple was too short and can't seem to satisfy the baby. The milk was trapped and the pain was amplified. What made it worse was that I had not yet bought the breast-pump, so I had to pumped it manually. I was so pissed.

The next day was another thing. Even after I pumped my breast (my hubby bought the electric one right away in the morning) and used the nipple cream, the pain was still there. I started to cry alone in the bathroom. I hated my husband when he fell asleep and didn't help me when the baby woke up. Right when I had the worst thought about him, I remembered how he had helped me all day. He woke up early then washed all of our clothes along with the baby's, he cleaned and sterilised the baby's bottles, he also played with her when I was too exhausted and asked for a time out. He did all those things without a single complaint. It made me felt guilty and cried.

When my mother-in-law came to help and handled the baby all day long to let me rest, I got annoyed. I felt like I was separated from my baby. I hated it when she bathed her in a way that was different with how I used to do it. But then, the guilty feeling came again and I cried.

I hated to see anyone. I hated it more when my mom asked me to dress nicely when they were coming. I was already so tired with all these nursing stuffs and my mom fussed me just because I didn't dress 'right'. And I really wanted to punch one of my neighbour for keep saying, "But actually you could did it (deliver the baby) without C-section, right?" after I answered that I had C-section to her question.

The worst was when I breastfed my baby and I couldn't look at her with motherly love. I got easily angry if she did not behave the way I wanted her to behave. I cried a lot in the bathroom for so much things I felt guilty about. I felt useless. I was sleep deprived. Soon I was aware that these whole things were baby blues syndrome and I should overcome it and not let it be postpartum depression (PPD). I've learnt a lot last semester about how the insecure attachment happens because of PPD and how it affects the inner world and the personality of the baby later on. I want my kid to be healthy, physically and mentally.

So, I accepted that these uncomfortable feelings was baby blues syndrome and that it was okay to feel it, even if I were a psychiatry resident. All women could suffer from it. Then, I started to make changes with my life. I started to eat more nutritious food, drink a lot of water, do the pump routinely, sleep when the baby is asleep, always keep myself clean and entertained. Last but not least, always communicate, when you need to leave the baby for toilet business or when you have something bothering you, talk to someone you trust. By the end of the second week, it got a lot better. Now, I can do everything with my kid without feeling bored or annoyed. Though I still get a little bit overwhelmed when I lack of sleep.

If you or your loved one is pregnant, always remember to be informed about mental problems that can bother the nursing, accept the feeling, communicate, ask for help, and get support. If by the end of the second week it doesn't get any better or even get worse, seek for professional help.

My worry and how I cast it away

me 06.13

Setiap hari selama 10 bulan ini, selalu ada hal atau tugas baru yang belum pernah saya buat sebelumnya. Ketika dapat tugas-tugas itu saya cemas dan takut kalau saya nggak bisa mengerjakannya dengan benar. Saya takut saya mengacaukan segalanya. Tapi, pada akhirnya semua selesai dan tidak semengerikan yang saya bayangkan.

Misalnya hari ini. Saya terbangun dengan dismenore hebat yang membuat saya datang terlambat ke kantor. Dan belum lagi saya berangkat, seorang teman minta bantuan saya untuk kegiatan lokakarya pendidikan yang sedang diadakan oleh departemen kami. Duh, rasanya makin malas saja. Apalagi ini pertama kalinya saya mendapat tugas seperti itu dan saya nggak tahu harus kerja mulai dari mana. Ditambah dismenore yang tanpa ampun, saya bahkan nggak paham saat teman saya kasih penjelasan. Macam masuk kuping kanan keluar kuping kiri. But somehow, ketika acara mulai berjalan, saya mulai paham dan semua berjalan lancar. Bahkan, kelompok kami jadi yang selesai pertama kali.

Di lain waktu, ketika saya dapat tugas yang udah sering saya kerjakan sebelumnya, saya akan merasa lebih santai dan mengerjakannya dengan cepat. Tapi, ternyata pekerjaan saya dianggap tidak benar dan berkali-kali saya harus melakukan revisi. Yang terakhir adalah abstrak 200 kata yang harus saya revisi hingga delapan kali sampai dapat versi terbaik. Ketika itu saya udah putus asa dan tiba-tiba bos saya bilang, "Sudah bagus!" Rasanya super lega :")

Sejak selesai internsip, saya merasa lebih sering cemas dibanding sebelumnya. Saya bahkan cemas kalau jangan-jangan saya menderita gangguan cemas. Lalu saya melakukan self-diagnosis berdasarkan gejala yang saya alami. Dan memang di beberapa waktu saya cemas, namun di lain waktu saya tidak. Rasa cemas saya tidak menetap terus menerus dan tidak menyebabkan gangguan dalam kehidupan saya sehari-hari, walaupun di saat kecemasan saya sedang tinggi seringkali saya susah tidur, secara umum kecemasan yang saya alami masih tergolong normal.

Saya sudah tiga kali ngerjain soal MMPI (Minnesotta Multiple Personality Inventory) dalam periode saya merasa cemas itu dan hasilnya alhamdulillah baik-baik saja, walaupun dari hasil psikotes, refleksi diri, dan wawancara saya menunjukkan sedikit ciri paranoid. Mungkin karena saya lama hidup di keluarga yang agak perfeksionis dan sedikiiit obsesif kompulsif.

Dulu saya punya mantra. Mantra yang saya dapat dari salah satu edisi Cemeti (majalah SMA saya).

Hari ini adalah hari esok yang kamu cemaskan kemarin.

Yang buat saya punya arti: apapun yang terjadi besok, seberat apapun itu, sesulit apapun itu, pada hari berikutnya ia hanya menjadi satu tantangan yang sudah terlewati, dengan kata lain tinggal kenangan. Itulah kenapa saya nggak pernah bilang, "Masih ada satu ujian lagi," tapi "Tinggal satu ujian lagi." Kata 'masih' hanya menambah kecemasan saya dengan mengingatkan bahwa beban saya belum terangkat sepenuhnya. Sedangkan kata 'tinggal' mengurangi kecemasan saya karena berarti kebebasan sudah di depan mata.

Belakangan saya melupakan mantra itu. Mungkin karena selama ini mantra itu saya pakai ketika sedang ujian saja. Sedangkan ketika kita bekerja, ujian itu selalu ada dalam bentuk yang selalu baru. But, it doesn't mean that it's irrelevant. Mindset saya aja yang perlu diubah kalo 1 pekerjaan selesai bukan berarti 1 ujian terlewati tapi 1 hal baru yang berhasil kita achieve/ solve.

Dan satu lagi yang saya pelajari hari ini. Hidup itu nggak mesti selalu sempurna, begitu pula pekerjaan. Sedikit cacat nggak masalah asal nggak mengganggu atau mengubah inti dari pekerjaan itu. Seringnya, ketika kita melakukan suatu pekerjaan baru untuk bos atau atasan baru, kita takut bikin kesalahan, kita terlalu cemas dengan pendapat atasan atas pekerjaan kita. Thank God, saya punya teman yang bisa ingetin saya bahwa pekerjaan saya nggak harus sempurna, yang penting baik. Dan ternyata nggak menjadi perfeksionis itu bikin lega dan beban pikiran jauh berkurang.

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My worry and how I cast it away

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