#latepost: May 10th, 2015


May 10, 2015

Summer is coming. I can feel it as I wake up to the cold morning wind these days. It throws me back to the summer, six years ago, when the cold wind blew the same way.

I was just a confused senior student. The future was blurred as my parents asked me to get into medical faculty, though I was into social major like politics or economics. I had no plan to be a doctor. Never. Maybe sometime in the past I ever said that I wanted to be a doctor. But, let me clarify it now what I had realised long time ago. I said that because everyone said that, everyone wanted me to say that. If others thought being a doctor is cool, (I thought) then it’s cool, despite I had no interest to be a doctor, eventhough my mom is a doctor.

So, the cold wind blows my mind, my unfunctional mind - my mind has been destructed by the Candy Crush, to this new thought. I still don’t want to be a doctor. Next month is gonna be my last stage of clerkship. I am getting closer to be a doctor but still I can feel the hole inside me. I’m not sure if it’s big, but it’s sure deep.

I don’t want to be a doctor. The more I think what kind of doctor I want to be, the more I realise that I don’t want to be a a doctor. Any kind of doctor: who works for hospital, management, insurance, pharmacy, research or lecturer. Maybe I want to be a lecturer, but I’m not sure if my grades are good enough for it.

Now that everyone start to think about their future. My besties have their own ‘thing’. One of them is good at dancing and make up-ing, another one is good at English, she’s a journal translator and now she is learning English for whatever – I guess she’s gonna study abroad or something – and, she is also good at sports, running, swimming, boxing, she’s now thinnier because she eats red rice, and gets prettier as well. Above all, that makes me so envious, they make their own money.

So... Here I am spacing out again. What would I do for life? I can hear the tik-tok, but still, I feel clueless. I’m not good at everything. I don’t do well and not skillful enough in medical things. I cannot cook. I am lazy. I cannot write, in a great way. I am shy. I cannot do anything well. I lose my ability to understand politics. I don’t workout. I cannot draw an eyeliner. I don’t sell anything. I cannot make money, but I spend a lot of my parents’. I eat a lot of foods and buy a lot of books. The only thing I am proud enough is I think I am very skillful on driving. But can it make me a racer in one night? No! And it sounds too late. Maybe I am just a garbage can full of trash.

I can do the journal translate but... I don’t know. It’s too late. In just a month, I am no longer a clerk and so I will leave the medical school. So... you know. Or maybe you don’t.
I keep saying ‘it’s too late’ in this post. You hate it, don’t you? ‘Cause I do.
So... I’m still wondering what should I do now. Is making money a very urgent thing right now? When my parents are still working? Or should I just try? To learn to be independent? But what should I do? What things, what service, I should sell? Or should I just take up some courses of English, sports, and medical, maybe?

What should I do? I really am worried.

By the way, I think I want to be a psychiatrist. Well, my mom is a psychiatrist and I do think that it’s more genetic than the ease that makes me wants to be a psychiatrist as well. I don’t think that I choose psychiatry because my mom has a lot of relations or books about it, though it may help me someday. I think it’s because I don’t really like complicated physical examination, but I like talking with patients about everything: life, feeling, and every other thing.  It doesn’t get me nervous. And I think I can do the psychiatry emergency stuffs confidently. Moreover, the serial always shows me that a psychiatrist working in a cozy counseling room, or sometimes having conversation with criminals with brilliant mind, ha-ha, I know the reality doesn’t work that way.
At least in this post, I end up answering one question. But still, need help for other questions. 

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  1. I just read this and I want to send #hugs to you.
    Same thing happened to me since last year and I still dunno what I'll do in the future. I know I like writing and sharing with other people through writing, last week the opportunity struck me like a lightning (hehe). And now I'm working as a content writer, Wi.
    Dont lose hope. Begin with 'listing' what your head cant stay out from (like you always imagine yourself to be cool psychiatrist on serial tv?). There's always that thing (or maybe more than one) that your mind cant stop thinking about how you'd actually do it. Then believe that the opportunity will come to you, one or in another way.

    Is it too late? You posted this last May and I drop this comment one month later. Haha.
    Semangat wi!

    1. Angiieeeee!!! Thanks a lot #hug

      You're right! I was overthinking and it led me to some kind of anxiety.
      But, now I know what I want and what I'm doing and why I'm doing it.
      6 months after I wrote that post, I worked as a content writer.
      And since I finished internship, until now, I've been working as a research assistant in psychiatry department where I get to write a lot of scientific paper. And I love it!

      I'd read your comment very long time ago, but I forgot to reply it. And I thank you for cheering me up. I was cheered up too when I first read your comment.

      Sukses selalu, Ngie!